Taking Pleasure

If you ask most people what makes someone an amazing lover, they’ll probably say that it’s about being able to give your partner pleasure. There’s certainly a lot of truth in that, but it’s only half of the story. The other half is taking pleasure. Let me explain that that means. Giving Pleasure When you

Compliance, Consent, and Sexual Empowerment

Do you want to know the key to sexual empowerment? It’s learning to step out of compliance and into consent. The Roots of Sexual Compliance The reason that sexual compliance is such a challenge for almost everyone is that compliance is woven into us from our very beginnings. When we’re infants, people need to do

Consent Accidents and Consent Violations

As part of my accountability process, I have taken down my post Consent Accidents and Consent Violations. I used this post to gaslight a former partner and my communities, and to control the narrative around a consent violation my former partner experienced with someone else. As requested by some of the people who contacted my

How to Get Freaky Without Being Creepy

One of the most common questions I hear is: how do I tell someone I’m into them without coming across as creepy. It’s a real big fear for a lot of people, especially men. Expressing desire without being pushy seems like an impossible task. What is Creepy? One thing that makes this difficult is that

Enduring Unpleasant Touch

Do you want to know the most powerful thing you can to do transform your sex life? Stop enduring touch that doesn’t feel good. In my somatic coaching practice, I help people create better sex lives, so I hear all about the experiences and worries that hold them back. A lot of folks tell me

Embodied Consent

How do you know what you really want in bed? When you’re in a sexual situation, what tells you what you want to do, from moment to moment? This is a really important question to think about because that internal sense of your own wants and attractions is where it all begins. It’s the first

How To Get What You Want In Bed, And Not Get What You Don’t Want

One of the themes running through discussions of sex, relationships, and gender is the notion of consent: what it means, what it looks like, how to recognize it, and how to respond to it. I’m really glad to see more conversations about it because consent is the foundation of a happy, thriving sex life. But

Learning to Ask

Do you ever have difficulty asking for what you want? I used to, and it’s taken a lot of practice to be able to change that. On a recent trip, I had a great reminder of how important it is to be able to build that skill. When I got to the gate for my

What Does Pushing Boundaries in BDSM Mean?

In some of the (mostly online) discussions I’ve seen around BDSM & kink, there’s a sticking point that seems to come up over and over. What does it mean when people say that they get turned on by “pushing boundaries”? I think this is worth unpacking because there are at least two different meanings to

Taking No For An Answer

I have a confession to make. Taking no for an answer doesn’t always happen easily. See, there’s been a lot of conversation in different online and in-person communities that I move through about “creepy men.” I’ve even written this piece on five things men can do to not be creepy. Part of those discussions include

Accidental Assault, Due Diligence, and Consent

Here’s a question that someone sent to me that is definitely worth asking: Is it possible to accidentally sexually assault someone? My short answer: yes. And I think there’s a lot to say about this. Learning Consent One of the biggest difficulties when we’re talking about sexual assault and consent is the question of what

Intentions Don’t Matter: On Making Amends

I’ve been thinking a lot about intentions and amends lately, for a variety of reasons. I’m now firmly in my early 40’s and I’m able to look back on some of the patterns of my life. I’ve also had several conversations lately with different people about the processes of apology, amends, and reconciliation. And the