Attuned Sex

There’s something I’ve noticed about dogs and cats. Some animals don’t really care if you’re not paying close attention to what you’re doing while you pet them. I’ve known many cats and dogs that enjoy it if I make the scritchy motion with my hand while they move around to get it where they want.

When Defense Mechanisms Get In the Way

I’ve been seeing a meme floating around that says “the things that helped you survive get in your way when it’s time to thrive.” There’s a lot of truth to that, and not just in terms of emotions. When it’s a physical injury Here’s one way it might look when it’s a physical injury. I

The World Will Be A Better Place When More Men Take It Up The Ass

There are lots of things we can do to make the world a better place. We can reduce our consumption of irreplaceable resources, we can develop our capacity to bring compassion to our relationships, we can support people in crisis or need- there’s plenty to be done. And there’s one thing that I think has

My Accountability Process

In 2023, I completed an accountability process to address harms I caused to one of my previous partners and to my personal and professional communities between 2014-2017. During that time, I was emotionally manipulative, abused my professional power, and pushed sexual boundaries with  employees and folks in my communities. When I got called out on

When Safety Becomes Controlling

Note: I wrote this post in April 2019 to explore how my thinking on this topic has changed since writing this one in December 2015. In the tech world, they often say that it’s important to find a balance between security and usability. If you make your online passwords difficult to crack, they’re also difficult

“It’s All About Communication” Is The Worst Sex Advice Ever

There’s a piece of advice that sex educators and writers always seem to give folks that I find both accurate and useless. “It’s all about communication” is certainly true, and it doesn’t do a lot of good. Part of that is because almost everyone thinks that they’re great at communicating, in the same way that

Taking Pleasure

If you ask most people what makes someone an amazing lover, they’ll probably say that it’s about being able to give your partner pleasure. There’s certainly a lot of truth in that, but it’s only half of the story. The other half is taking pleasure. Let me explain that that means. Giving Pleasure When you

The Rise and Fall of Erotic Energy

There’s a funny thing that a lot of people do during sex. They focus so much on increasing the level of stimulation that they actually miss out on some of the opportunities to experience incredible pleasure. That’s because one of the most effective ways to enhance your sexual experience is to create a rise and

Safe Space First. Brave Space Second.

In several of the communities and events that I participate in, I’ve seen some ongoing discussions about the differences between a safe space and brave space. While these conversations have been useful to some degree, they often turn into a debate about which one is more important. It seems to me that this creates a

Successful Sex Coaching: Slow and Steady Will Get You There Faster

When I talk with people about sex coaching and how it can help them, it sometimes becomes apparent that they’re looking for a transformative, cathartic experience that will change everything about their sex lives. This seems to be especially common when they’re asking about somatic sex coaching, but it also happens when they’re curious about

Having Feelings

There’s a phrase that a lot of people use when talking about their feelings. They’ll start their sentences with “I am…” As in: I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. From a grammar angle, these ways of expressing emotions aren’t any different than saying “I’m hungry” or “I’m ready to leave the party.” But when you

How to Make A Sexual Fantasy Come True

I talk with a lot of people about their sexual desires and the things they want to try. One of the questions that they sometimes ask is “how do I make this sexual fantasy come true?” I find that there’s actually more to that than you might think. Most fantasies aren’t just about the physical