How to Make A Sexual Fantasy Come True
I talk with a lot of people about their sexual desires and the things they want to try. One of the questions that they sometimes ask is “how do I make this sexual fantasy come true?” I find that there’s actually more to that than you might think. Most fantasies aren’t just about the physical acts that you imagine taking place. Knowing how to work with what’s happening below the surface goes a long way towards creating the experience you really want. There are three questions you can ask yourself to find your way.
What’s The Story of Your Sexual Fantasy?
This part is often the easiest one. What’s your go-to fantasy when you masturbate? Or maybe it’s what you think about during sex, when you’re close to an orgasm and you want to get there. What’s the hottest scenario in your head? The one that (almost) always works?
Whatever it is, write it down in as much detail as you can. I find that writing it out with a pen and paper often works better than typing on a keyboard. It seems to tap into a different part of the brain, and there’s a lot of important information that comes out more easily when you write it by hand.
Writing your sexual fantasy out doesn’t need to create a lot of pressure. You aren’t trying to craft an erotic story, and you don’t ever need to share it with anyone. You can even make it a list of bullet points, rather than a linear description. The important thing is that you include the things that make this fantasy extra hot for you.
Maybe it’s something that one of the characters in it says. It could be a particular act or position. Perhaps it’s the setting or situation. Or it’s who the characters in your story are. Don’t overthink this- follow your desire and arousal. If there’s a specific element that pops into your head right before you orgasm, write that down, too. Whatever your story is, be as specific as you can be. That’ll be important for the next step.
If it’s difficult to identify the story or the things that make it extra sexy, try getting turned on first. Have a little solo sex session, but before you’re done, press pause and grab a pen and paper. That can be a great way to tune into the fantasy. If one of your fantasies comes from a favorite porn movie or erotic fiction, you can do the same thing. Write down what’s happening on the screen or in the pages of your book, noting the things that consistently grab your attention.
What Are the Key Details of Your Fantasy?
Now that you have your fantasy on paper, go through the story and highlight the details that make it hot. Circle the specific ingredients that need to be in the fantasy for it to work for you. Identify the elements of the story that pop into your head just before you orgasm. From another angle, if you take things out of the story, the fantasy falls apart. Sometimes, these are seemingly small details, but they’re the plot points that the entire fantasy hinges on.
This is important because the little details often carry so much meaning. If you only focus on the big story arc and ignore the small pieces, your odds of a successful experience go down. For example, if you have a fantasy of being tied up, spanked, and pleasured, there are a lot of ways that might look. What position are you in? What are you tied to? Are you tied with rope? Chains and restraints? How hard is the spanking? Who are you doing this with? Are they using their hands? Paddles? Other toys? Is it a punishment? A sensual connection? And what kinds of pleasure are you looking for? Is it a long, teasing experience? A reward for having taken a paddling? Is it spanking first and then pleasure? Or are they going back and forth? Is there a particular way you want to be pleasured? Where is your fantasy partner touching you, and how?
This is why I asked you to be as specific as possible when writing the fantasy out. These key details are essential because they make or break the story. If you want to be tied over the dining room table, paddled as a punishment for being “naughty,” and then soothed with oral sex, that’s a very different scenario than being tied face down on the bed, spanked with a slow warm up and lots of sensual touch along the way, and then fucked. But both of these fantasies fit into the “I want to be tied up, spanked, and then pleasured” storyline, so you need to get clear about the details that make it hot for you.
How Do Those Details Make You Feel?
This is were things really get interesting. Go back and look at the things you just highlighted. Read through them all and then focus on one at a time. Tune into what you feel in your body and in your heart. And then, write down what those feelings and sensations are.
This is the key to this entire project because the ultimate goal of your sexual fantasy is to create these feelings. And if you want to make that fantasy come true in a way that feels fulfilling, this is where you want to end up.
Let’s go back to those two examples of bondage, spanking, and pleasure. For someone who fantasizes about being punished for being naughty and then soothed, some of the feelings that might come up are:
- being naughty or breaking the rules
- knowing you can’t get away with being naughty
- a feeling of atonement
- being able to take the punishment
- being rewarded for taking the punishment
- feeling like an exhibitionist because you had sex on the dining table
On the other hand, someone who wants the sensual spanking and then sex might feel:
- like a treasured, favorite pet
- receiving attention and care
- rewarded for being good
- deep emotional and physical connection with your partner
- precious and adored
When you know how you want to feel, you know where you want to end up. That makes it so much easier to create the real life situation in which to act out your sexual fantasy.
The person in the first scenario might find it extra sexy to be called a dirty slut or a naughty boy. Or maybe they want to be told about how their dinner guests that night won’t have any idea that just a few hours earlier, they were tied over the table that everyone is eating on. But the person in the second version might want to be told how well they took the spanking, or that they’re such a good boy/girl/slut/pet/etc. Perhaps they want to hear that how beautiful they look with their butt warm from the spanking.
In both of these situations, the fantasy of being tied up, spanked, and pleasured might sound the same at first. They might even include the exact same toys or activities. But when these hypothetical people figure out the key details and identify how they want to feel, we end up with very different paths. And without that clarity, it would be easy for their partners to guess wrong.
Use Your Words Play With Your Sexual Fantasy
Now that you’ve figured out where you want your fantasy to take you, there are some different ways to get there.
The most obvious is to act it out, but that isn’t always what you want to do. After all, you could have a fantasy of having a room full of people watch you have sex, but you might not feel comfortable actually going to an orgy. So you and your partner might talk about it during sex as a way of tapping into the fantasy: “Can you see how all of the people at the sex party have stopped what they’re doing so they can come watch you? Their eyes are locked onto your body, and you’re getting them so turned on.” You could also put some porn on the TV and pretend that the performers are in the room with you.
A different variation of that is being so sexy that the observers at the orgy can’t help but join in because they can’t hold back. In that case, it might work better to say something like, “All of these people are getting so worked up watching you. They’re starting to fuck each other and at least half the room wants a turn with you. What do you think? Shall I share you with them?” There’s a subtle but important difference between those two fantasies, and what works for the first person might not work for the second.
On the other hand, maybe what turns you on about going to an orgy is the idea of cutting loose and letting go of all of the rules and responsibilities that are part of your life. Perhaps the fantasy of an orgy represents an opportunity to say “fuck the rules.” In that case, you might enjoy having your partner talk about how you can have sex with as many people as you want, in whatever combinations you want. Hearing that you can do absolutely anything with anyone you want to might be just the thing that sets off an orgasm.
You don’t have to actually go to an orgy to have the emotional experience that comes from talking about it. The differences between each of these stories might seem subtle at first. But when you know what emotional flavor you’re aiming for, it usually becomes much easier to create it.
Other Ways to Create That Feeling
Another way you can play with this is to find different opportunities to create a similar emotional experience. If your fantasy reveals that you get turned on by the idea of other people watching you having sex, then maybe you’d also get turned on by secretly doing something sexual in public. Going out for a walk without underwear on, wearing a remote-controlled buttplug at dinner, or hot and heavy making out at a nightclub might tap into that same feeling of being sexy when other people can see you. These are just some of the ways you could be sexual in public without bringing other people into your scene without their consent.
If your fantasy centers on being told that you’re a good girl/boy/pet/slut/etc., then finding a pet name for your partner to call you while you’re eating in a restaurant or going for a walk can be very inspiring. Or having a special name for them to call you during sex, or while texting each other might make you blush with desire.
In most situations, there’s more than one way to get to a similar emotional outcome, so you’re probably not limited to the specific situation in your sexual fantasy. That’s why it’s so useful to figure out how your fantasies make you feel. If you focus too much on the physical acts rather than the emotional outcome, you miss opportunities to find other ways to get to the same feeling.
If you do want to act out your fantasy, knowing what feeling you’re aiming for can make it easier to plan it out. You don’t have to enact every little thing about the fantasy. You can simply act out some of the parts that inspire those feelings. That’s especially important if your fantasy isn’t 100% realistic. You might fantasize about all sorts of things that are difficult or impossible to actually do in real life, but if you can create a similar emotional experience, you can have lots of fun.
For example, some people fantasize about having anal sex because it feels taboo and naughty to them, but anal penetration might not be comfortable for them. So their partner could do external anal massage and talk about how slutty they are for liking it, without any penetration at all. You don’t have to go all the way in order to have an amazing experience.
When The Feelings Don’t Feel So Good
While playing with sexual fantasies can be incredibly hot, it can also stir up lots of different feelings once the arousal subsides. If you’ve never tried this with a partner, it’s probably a good idea to take small steps. It’s easy to go too far and end up feeling upset, going into emotional flooding, or dealing with a shameover.
Start by talking about your fantasy during sex. Find some smaller ways to play with what turns you on. You don’t need to do everything the first time you try it. In fact, if you start with something milder, you might even discover subtle nuances that make a big difference in how the fantasy works.
It’s also important to have a safeword so that you can pause or stop things if they feel like they’re going somewhere you don’t want to go. While safewords allow you to pretend to resist when you don’t really mean it, that’s not their only purpose. They also make it easier to be clear in your “no” because that word carries a lot of emotional weight. Many of us have difficulty saying no. It can also be difficult to hear the word when you’re excited and really turned on. A safeword cuts through that and can be easier to both say and hear.
Some people use “red” to mean stop and “yellow” to take a pause. But since a yellow traffic light often means “speed up so you can get through the intersection,” I like to use red and pink (since pink is not quite as red). You can use pretty much any word that you wouldn’t use during sex. And “safeword” is always a solid option.
Some Useful Books About Sexual Fantasies
Plenty has been written about fantasies and what they mean. In my opinion, any book that tells you what a sexual fantasy signifies is telling you about what it means to the author, rather than what it means to you. But there are four books that I think do a great job of helping folks play with (and understand) their fantasies.
The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin is based on his extensive research and interviews with hundreds of people about their “peak erotic experiences” (aka the best sex you’ve ever had). While it doesn’t focus on fantasies, it goes a long way towards explaining some of the erotic patterns that people have in clear, easy language. This is a book that I think should be on the bookshelf of every therapist and relationship coach out there.
Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael Bader offers some valuable perspective from a psychotherapist. His focus is on how we often use our fantasies as a way to gain control or mastery over some part of our lives. While I think he makes some sweeping statements that simply aren’t true, this book is full of useful insights. It was also part of what helped me understand that one of the purposes of a sexual fantasy is to help us create a particular emotional outcome.
The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue is the go-to resource for figuring out how to play with fantasies. It’s full of inspiring ideas, helpful tips, and practical suggestions for making sure you create the experience you really want. It’s definitely more of a how-to guide than the first two books, and I think it complements them well.
Enough to Make You Blush by Princess Kali is technically about playing with erotic humiliation, but it offers far more than that. This is one of the best guides for how to get inside your partner’s head and find the things that excite them. There are also lots of useful tips for creating the emotional safety that allows people to connect with those deep desires.
As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new ways to create the relationships and the sex life that support you and make you thrive. Get in touch with me to schedule a free 30 minute Get Acquainted skype call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.