When Is “I Feel Unsafe” A Weapon?

Update: I wrote this in December 2015. In April 2019, I wrote this post to explore how my thinking on this topic has changed. Do you want to know one of the most subtle and easiest ways to manipulate a partner? Tell them, “That thing you do makes me feel unsafe and you need to

What Does Celibacy Mean, Anyway?

So here’s a great question someone sent me: I have a question… or opinion from you please and thanks. If a person doesn’t indulge in sexual intercourse with a partner are they abstinent or celibate? And are they either if they penetrate themselves with a toy? Lastly, if they only use a bullet without penetration

Sex Coaching and Sex Therapy. What’s Right For You?

If your sex life is feeling stuck, one of the best things you can do is get some help from a trained expert. When you need useful suggestions, information about how other people have navigated similar circumstances, outside perspective about your challenges, or you just want to speak with someone who’s not involved in the

How to Last Longer in Bed

Here’s a question that someone sent me: I’m sure you’ve covered this at some point already but I was curious if you had any suggestions for lasting longer? I’ve tried numbing lubes, trying to distract myself with thinking about something else (which doesn’t work well and takes away from the experience 🙁 ) and I’ve

Enduring Unpleasant Touch

Do you want to know the most powerful thing you can to do transform your sex life? Stop enduring touch that doesn’t feel good. In my somatic coaching practice, I help people create better sex lives, so I hear all about the experiences and worries that hold them back. A lot of folks tell me

Tight Ass

I know I talk about anal play a lot. It’s one of my favorite kinds of sex, and ever since I co-wrote The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, I’ve been fielding lots of questions from folks of all genders who want to make it more fun. But that’s not what I want to focus on

How To Make Group Sex Fun

Here’s a question that someone sent me about group sex: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I love him a lot and the sex is great. He is the most sex-positive person I’ve dated, and is open to experimenting with me. I am curious about including others in our play, and

Getting Angry To Avoid Your Feelings

There’s a funny thing that people often do. I’m sure you’ve seen it, done it, or had it happen to you. We get critical or angry about something that we used to appreciate as a way of pushing it away or avoiding how we really feel about it. This has been coming up for me

Turn Towards The Feelings

As a sex & relationship coach, I get to see people while they’re in the middle of some difficult situations. I’ve mediated couples during arguments. I’ve worked with people when they’re stuck in their triggers. I’ve talked with folks who were in the middle of their emotional reactions. And over and over, I’ve witnessed how

Disappointment Avoidance Ruins Relationships

When therapists, relationship coaches, and sex educators talk about the things that get in the way of creating positive connection and intimacy, we often include things like shame, anger, resentment, and unspoken expectations. But there’s one more that doesn’t get as much attention, even though it has a huge impact on our relationships: disappointment avoidance.

Calming Breathwork to Relax Your Body

One of the more common reasons people find it difficult to experience pleasure, build connection and intimacy, or enjoy sex is that they don’t know how to slow down. In this ever-faster, multi-tasking, get-it-done-now, over-scheduled world, it’s easy to get spun up and hard to calm down. When you’re chronically wound up, sex often disappears

Start Where You Are

Have you ever wondered if it’s too late to improve your sex life? In the last few weeks, I’ve had several conversations with people who felt embarrassed that they were as old as they were and hadn’t figured out their sexualities. For a couple of them, their sexual exploration started when a partner died or