Taking Pleasure

If you ask most people what makes someone an amazing lover, they’ll probably say that it’s about being able to give your partner pleasure. There’s certainly a lot of truth in that, but it’s only half of the story. The other half is taking pleasure. Let me explain that that means. Giving Pleasure When you

Having Feelings

There’s a phrase that a lot of people use when talking about their feelings. They’ll start their sentences with “I am…” As in: I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m scared. From a grammar angle, these ways of expressing emotions aren’t any different than saying “I’m hungry” or “I’m ready to leave the party.” But when you

How to Make A Sexual Fantasy Come True

I talk with a lot of people about their sexual desires and the things they want to try. One of the questions that they sometimes ask is “how do I make this sexual fantasy come true?” I find that there’s actually more to that than you might think. Most fantasies aren’t just about the physical

An Amazing Tool To Make Emotions Easier To Talk About

Let’s start by acknowledging one thing. Talking about emotions can be hard. It takes practice to be able to tune into them, to describe them in ways that other people can understand, to listen to them and figure out what they need, and to hold onto the complexity of multiple simultaneous (and sometimes, contradictory) feelings.

Dealing with a Shameover

Have you ever woken up the morning after an amazing night and just felt terrible? Maybe you felt emotionally tender or raw. Maybe it seemed like everything was just a little bit off. Or maybe you were irritable, cranky, or withdrawn. However it showed up for you, there’s a chance that you were dealing with

Threesomes, Feelings, and Triggers

Here’s a question I got in my inbox: I am a guy in a polyamorous relationship with a woman who is rather more experienced than I am in the poly world, and in terms of threesomes, group sex, etc. We’re planning on having a threesome soon, and potentially a foursome with another couple. I know

The Difference Between Compassion and Codependency

All relationships are going to have friction and conflict. There’s no way to avoid that. But one of the ways that relationships get stuck is when we try to avoid the disagreements and conflicts. It happens all the time: “I don’t want to say anything and make my partner angry.” “It’s not a big deal.

Hold Tight Gently

The title of this post comes from the book Hold Tight Gently: Michael Callen, Essex Hemphill, and the Battlefield of AIDS. One of the tricky skills you need to create satisfying romantic/sexual relationships is being able to balance the need for connection and the need for individuality. Each of them is essential, though every person

Calling In

I have something I need to admit to you. I make mistakes. Yes, I know that’s hardly a revelation. After all, everyone does. But it’s something I need to start with because when I make mistakes, I want to be called in. Defining Calling In You’re probably familiar with the concept of being “called out.”

Compliance, Consent, and Sexual Empowerment

Do you want to know the key to sexual empowerment? It’s learning to step out of compliance and into consent. The Roots of Sexual Compliance The reason that sexual compliance is such a challenge for almost everyone is that compliance is woven into us from our very beginnings. When we’re infants, people need to do

Consent Accidents and Consent Violations

As part of my accountability process, I have taken down my post Consent Accidents and Consent Violations. I used this post to gaslight a former partner and my communities, and to control the narrative around a consent violation my former partner experienced with someone else. As requested by some of the people who contacted my

How to Get Freaky Without Being Creepy

One of the most common questions I hear is: how do I tell someone I’m into them without coming across as creepy. It’s a real big fear for a lot of people, especially men. Expressing desire without being pushy seems like an impossible task. What is Creepy? One thing that makes this difficult is that