There's something I've noticed about dogs and cats. Some animals don't really care if you're not paying close attention to what you're doing while you pet them. I've known many cats and dogs that enjoy it if I make the scritchy motion with my hand while they move around to get it where they want.…
Let's start by acknowledging one thing. Talking about emotions can be hard. It takes practice to be able to tune into them, to describe them in ways that other people can understand, to listen to them and figure out what they need, and to hold onto the complexity of multiple simultaneous (and sometimes, contradictory) feelings.…
Giving a really good compliment is a powerful skill that can help you create a passionate, amazing relationship. And while I 100% believe that it's a useful talent, regardless of the gender of the person you're giving it to, it's even more important when you're talking with a woman.
There are lots of reasons for that.…
Update: I wrote this in December 2015. In April 2019, I wrote this post to explore how my thinking on this topic has changed.
Do you want to know one of the most subtle and easiest ways to manipulate a partner? Tell them, "That thing you do makes me feel unsafe and you need to stop…
So here's a great question someone sent me:
I have a question... or opinion from you please and thanks. If a person doesn't indulge in sexual intercourse with a partner are they abstinent or celibate? And are they either if they penetrate themselves with a toy? Lastly, if they only use a bullet without penetration is…
Do you want to know the most powerful thing you can to do transform your sex life? Stop enduring touch that doesn’t feel good.
In my somatic coaching practice, I help people create better sex lives, so I hear all about the experiences and worries that hold them back. A lot of folks tell me that…
As a sex & relationship coach, I get to see people while they're in the middle of some difficult situations. I've mediated couples during arguments. I've worked with people when they're stuck in their triggers. I've talked with folks who were in the middle of their emotional reactions. And over and over, I've witnessed how…
When therapists, relationship coaches, and sex educators talk about the things that get in the way of creating positive connection and intimacy, we often include things like shame, anger, resentment, and unspoken expectations. But there's one more that doesn't get as much attention, even though it has a huge impact on our relationships: disappointment avoidance.
Here's…
Have you ever noticed how often people talk about sex in terms of the "active partner" and the "passive partner?" It's a fascinating euphemism, and of course, what they're referring to is who's giving and receiving penetration. But separate from the fact that sex doesn't have to mean penetration, I don't see any reason to…
How do you know what you really want in bed? When you're in a sexual situation, what tells you what you want to do, from moment to moment?
This is a really important question to think about because that internal sense of your own wants and attractions is where it all begins. It's the first step…
One of the themes running through discussions of sex, relationships, and gender is the notion of consent: what it means, what it looks like, how to recognize it, and how to respond to it. I'm really glad to see more conversations about it because consent is the foundation of a happy, thriving sex life. But…
I don't usually use the word foreplay because I think that it reinforces the idea that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the goal of sex and that everything else is there to lead up to it. In my experience, those beliefs encourage male-female couples to get so focused on intercourse as the definition of successful sex that…
I get a lot of questions from men who want to be able to approach women and aren't sure how to do it. Whether they're interested in socializing, dating, or a sexual connection (not that those are mutually exclusive), there are plenty of guys who would like to do engage with women without being creepy,…
Have you ever thought about what it means when you "pay attention"?
It's a phrase I've heard often enough. When I was a kid, teachers and my parents told to pay attention to what they said. Advice columns say that we should pay attention to our partners. But there's something about it that never quite felt…
Do you ever have difficulty asking for what you want? I used to, and it's taken a lot of practice to be able to change that. On a recent trip, I had a great reminder of how important it is to be able to build that skill.
When I got to the gate for my flight…
Have you ever stopped and asked yourself what a successful sexual experience is?
It's an important question because how you answer it says a lot about your attitudes and beliefs about sex. And that has a big impact on the kinds of experiences you're creating and the sexual relationships you build.
One of the more common definitions…