I've been thinking a lot about intentions and amends lately, for a variety of reasons. I'm now firmly in my early 40's and I'm able to look back on some of the patterns of my life. I've also had several conversations lately with different people about the processes of apology, amends, and reconciliation. And the…
Charlie Glickman
One of the biggest sticking points in sex-positive communities is that there's a pattern of not don't openly acknowledge the ways in which sexual intrusion, assault and trauma shape sexuality. Discussions of sex-positivity rarely include what it means to live in a world in which effectively every woman (both cis- and transgender) and many of…
One of my Facebook friends posted a question recently that I think has a lot to do with sex:
how do you differentiate holding non-negotiable boundaries from issuing ultimatums?
This is one of those tricky questions that gets to the heart of relationships, communication, and (by extension) sex.
On some level, both boundaries and ultimatums are an attempt…
In both my personal and professional life, I've noticed that a lot of people drift into treating their partners and family members with less care than they treat friends, acquaintances and strangers. The saying "familiarity breeds contempt" comes from one of Aesop's fables, in which the Fox gradually became so used to the Lion that…
One of the difficulties that I've faced in discussing sex-positivity with some folks is that there are two different lenses that a lot of people use when talking about these issues. Some use an entirely personal lens, as in "I like doing this thing, or I find it empowering, so that makes it OK." And…
Every so often, I see an article or hear someone who says that polyamory is an alternative to cheating. In my opinion, that's mixing apples and oranges.
Polyamory isn't an alternative to cheating, it's an alternative to monogamy. So are swinging, having a triad, polyfidelity, open relationships, a single person having multiple partners, and other relationship…
I've been teaching workshops on male gender socialization for about 15 years or so. The foundation of my presentation is the Act Like a Man Box, which I learned about from Paul Kivel's book, Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart. I like calling it the "Act Like a Man…
In all of the discussion and debate about women's sexuality: if you don't respect sluts, you don't respect women.
There have been other articles, like Yasmin Nair's In Defense of Sluts, that touch on this. As she said,
The widespread support for Fluke is built entirely on the idea that she is not a slut and that…
I've notice something. Or perhaps more accurately, I've given words to something I've been seeing for a while. There isn't much room for delight in this world. That seems like a tragedy to me. I think that we'd all be much happier if more of us would give ourselves permission to feel it, to express…
There are a lot of reasons our sexual desires and interests don't always match up with those of our partners. Changing tastes, medical or mental health challenges, busy work schedules, stress and juggling different demands, and simply having different libidos can make it hard to find a common ground. In both my personal life and…
I got a text from a guy I know about a challenge he's facing:
How do you deal with turning down a woman you're not interested in sex with?
At first, this might seem like the answer is obvious. Just say no, right? But there's a lot more to it than that and it's worth looking at.
"I'm…
One of the things that often surprises people is the fact that being queer, kinky, and poly doesn't have to mean that someone is promiscuous.
"Promiscuous" is such an interesting word. My dictionary has two definitions for it:
having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships
demonstrating or implying an undiscriminating or unselective approach; indiscriminate or casual…
Sex has been a challenge for my partner and me lately. Molly* has been experiencing pelvic pain, which makes sex uncomfortable at best, and really unpleasant at worst.
Molly's pain has a few different causes. She has endometriosis, which can be really excruciating. In the two decades we've been together, she's had four surgeries for it…
Talking about sexually transmitted infections can be tricky. Most of the time, sex educators focus on how to have the conversation before you have sex. Reid Mihalko’s safer sex elevator pitch is a really good format for that:
Reid’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech
Write down your answers for each and then try it out on yourself in…
Ever since my post about resentment, I've been thinking a lot about why so many people allow resentments to build and what we can do to avoid them. And it seems to me that one of the easiest things we can do is to tell the people in our lives what we appreciate about them.
I've…
The other day, I was interviewed by a reporter who asked me what I think the biggest challenge to sex in a long-term relationship is. I suspect that she was expecting me to say something like keeping the passion alive, or finding new things to try, or even that old standby, communication. But I think…
When I first became a sex educator, I figured I'd be learning a lot about relationships. Over time, I discovered that helping people explore sexuality also meant that I learned a lot about shame. So much so, in fact, that I went back to school and started learning about the interplay between sex & shame.…
The fabulous Clarisse Thorn wrote a great article in which she asks why men who are honest about their sexual desires get written off as creepy (among other things). It was originally posted on Alternet and it's interesting to read through the comments and compare them to the comments on the Jezebel repost.
This is really…
I have a confession to make. Once upon a time, I was a Sensitive New Age Guy.
I suppose I should explain what I mean. As I've written in other posts, I've always been rather dainty. And in my struggles with the Act Like a Man Box, there were several years where, rather than rejecting the…
I'm generally in favor of anything that gets more discussion of sexual and relationship diversity into the news, but the recent allegations by Newt Gingrich's second wife about his demand for an "open marriage" after having an affair for six years has highlighted the general confusion about what these words mean.
For example, W. Bradford Wilcox,…
I've been following a lot of the conversations in various circles about creeps, both online and in various communities I move through, and I'm really glad that this topic is getting more traction. I know that it's a tough thing to bring up, for a variety of reasons, but until something gets brought into the…