One of the things I've learned as a sexuality educator and coach is that it's really easy to spend a lot of time talking about sex, pleasure, consent, and communication without actually changing anything. You can say something like, "It's important to tell your partner when they do something you don't enjoy," but let's be…
Charlie Glickman
I have something I need to admit to you. I make mistakes. Yes, I know that's hardly a revelation. After all, everyone does. But it's something I need to start with because when I make mistakes, I want to be called in.
Defining Calling In
You're probably familiar with the concept of being "called out." Calling…
Do you want to know the key to sexual empowerment? It's learning to step out of compliance and into consent.
The Roots of Sexual Compliance
The reason that sexual compliance is such a challenge for almost everyone is that compliance is woven into us from our very beginnings. When we're infants, people need to do things…
As part of my accountability process, I have taken down my post Consent Accidents and Consent Violations. I used this post to gaslight a former partner and my communities, and to control the narrative around a consent violation my former partner experienced with someone else. As requested by some of the people who contacted my…
One of the most common questions I hear is: how do I tell someone I'm into them without coming across as creepy. It's a real big fear for a lot of people, especially men. Expressing desire without being pushy seems like an impossible task.
What is Creepy?
One thing that makes this difficult is that it's…
Giving a really good compliment is a powerful skill that can help you create a passionate, amazing relationship. And while I 100% believe that it's a useful talent, regardless of the gender of the person you're giving it to, it's even more important when you're talking with a woman.
There are lots of reasons for that.…
There are a lot of reasons why men struggle with sexual satisfaction. We get a lot of confusing and contradictory messages. We face outmoded definitions of masculinity that focus on "get it up, get it in, get it off" and assume that satisfaction equals performance rather than pleasure. We don't learn how to state our…
Update: I wrote this in December 2015. In April 2019, I wrote this post to explore how my thinking on this topic has changed.
Do you want to know one of the most subtle and easiest ways to manipulate a partner? Tell them, "That thing you do makes me feel unsafe and you need to stop…
So here's a great question someone sent me:
I have a question... or opinion from you please and thanks. If a person doesn't indulge in sexual intercourse with a partner are they abstinent or celibate? And are they either if they penetrate themselves with a toy? Lastly, if they only use a bullet without penetration is…
If your sex life is feeling stuck, one of the best things you can do is get some help from a trained expert. When you need useful suggestions, information about how other people have navigated similar circumstances, outside perspective about your challenges, or you just want to speak with someone who's not involved in the…
Here's a question that someone sent me:
I'm sure you've covered this at some point already but I was curious if you had any suggestions for lasting longer? I've tried numbing lubes, trying to distract myself with thinking about something else (which doesn't work well and takes away from the experience :( ) and I've even…
Do you want to know the most powerful thing you can to do transform your sex life? Stop enduring touch that doesn’t feel good.
In my somatic coaching practice, I help people create better sex lives, so I hear all about the experiences and worries that hold them back. A lot of folks tell me that…
I know I talk about anal play a lot. It's one of my favorite kinds of sex, and ever since I co-wrote The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, I've been fielding lots of questions from folks of all genders who want to make it more fun. But that's not what I want to focus on…
Here's a question that someone sent me about group sex:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I love him a lot and the sex is great. He is the most sex-positive person I've dated, and is open to experimenting with me. I am curious about including others in our play, and he…
There's a funny thing that people often do. I'm sure you've seen it, done it, or had it happen to you. We get critical or angry about something that we used to appreciate as a way of pushing it away or avoiding how we really feel about it.
This has been coming up for me lately.…
As a sex & relationship coach, I get to see people while they're in the middle of some difficult situations. I've mediated couples during arguments. I've worked with people when they're stuck in their triggers. I've talked with folks who were in the middle of their emotional reactions. And over and over, I've witnessed how…
When therapists, relationship coaches, and sex educators talk about the things that get in the way of creating positive connection and intimacy, we often include things like shame, anger, resentment, and unspoken expectations. But there's one more that doesn't get as much attention, even though it has a huge impact on our relationships: disappointment avoidance.
Here's…
One of the more common reasons people find it difficult to experience pleasure, build connection and intimacy, or enjoy sex is that they don't know how to slow down. In this ever-faster, multi-tasking, get-it-done-now, over-scheduled world, it's easy to get spun up and hard to calm down. When you're chronically wound up, sex often disappears…
Have you ever wondered if it's too late to improve your sex life?
In the last few weeks, I've had several conversations with people who felt embarrassed that they were as old as they were and hadn't figured out their sexualities. For a couple of them, their sexual exploration started when a partner died or they…
I once read an article by a meditation teacher from Thailand. One of the practices he taught was meditating on compassion, in which you learn to sit with compassion for yourself, then your partner, then your family, your friends, your community, and eventually, the world. The idea is that you start in the center and…
Relationships are tricky, sometimes. OK, so that isn't news. But I think there's a way of looking at the complexities of our relationships that makes them a little easier to understand.
When I ask people to describe how relationships work, they often describe them as a connection between two people. It looks something like this:
While thinking…